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February 1, 2005 / erin

Warning emotional dribble to follow.

I think Cabin fever has officially hit the Vaughan house.

Nate and I are fighting over, what we came to realize last night, literally nothing.

Jess has been systematically tearing the house apart. And suddenly both insistent and resistant to potty training. I’m still trying to figure that out. I think she is just seeking some control. I am clinging to a frazzled thread of what’s left of my sanity. It’s not pretty.

I am ready for a vacation. Without them. Is that wrong?

I think what makes it hard for me, is I have a hard time asking for help. I always have and I most likely always will. This makes it VERY hard when I actually need help. It’s always just assumed that I can handle it. Yes this is my own fault. I realize that.

The only concrete example I can offer, is when Jess was diagnosed with ONH. I helped everyone else come to grips with it. I did loads of research (mostly for my benefit) I learned Braille I taught Braille to them. I took courses on child development and how to accommodate Jess so that she would not be lacking due to her handicap. But I realize I never really came to grips with it. I use the excuse I did not have time to. I had to help everyone else. That’s what I do.

I overheard a conversation between my mom and my brother talking about Jess’ condition soon after they found out. Joel, my brother, asked how I was doing In light of all the doctors visits, etc. that entailed after we found out. My mother’s response? “She seems ok. You know Erin, she can handle it.”

Truthfully, I thought I could. Now as Jess gets older and starts playing more and more with other kids. The differences (Neither good or bad) between her and “normal” kids is pretty apparent. I guess It kind of shocks me.

I don’t grieve for her. There is no need. Jess has defied all the predictions given to us about her vision and her capabilities. She excels. She is amazing.

I guess I grieve because there is nothing else I can about it.

Sorry. I’m just having one of those days.

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2 Comments

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  1. carma / Feb 1 2005 2:00 PM

    I know there is nothing I can say or do that will “help” but just know that I’m here, etc. And even though you have issues asking for help, you know you can ask me (without even asking me 😉 ).

    And hey, I’d be perfectly willing to meet you somewhere for a long weekend/vacation 🙂 That reminds me there is supposedly a sheep and wool show somewhere in IL every spring/summer/fall (yeah Nathan wasn’t real big on details) maybe we could meet??

    *HUGS* Maybe that new yarn will get there soon and help?

    Love ya,
    Carma

  2. Anonymous / Feb 1 2005 10:39 PM

    E –

    Sounds like not such a good day. I tried my magic wand here, but it hasn’t seemed to be working lately. So, I’ll throw out two other things. (And you can obviously feel completely free to toss them out the window and/or kick me in the rear via voodoo doll or something…) 🙂

    It is not wrong to want to take a vacation without your husband and child. At least I hope not because it is a wish on my list monthly. Oh, okay, you got me. Weekly…

    The other thing is from my mom. One day I called her to tell her about a mishap Faith had had. I was feeling like poo for having let it happen by not keeping a better eye on her. She said, “Oh, honey! You are officially a Mom now! Worrying and feeling like you aren’t doing enough means that you are a real life Mom. But you are doing enough. You love her every day and she is a better person for it.”

    So, thought I’d throw that out there. ‘Cause Jess is a better person for everything you do for and with her.

    Hope Wednesday is a better day.

    Cari–>

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